Sensuality and sexuality in my condition as a woman, has perhaps an even more meaningful and spiritual importance to me. I view such encounters as a very tangible recognition of my attractiveness and as a “real and true” acknowledgement of my womanhood. Many times when I dress, I do so in the hope of being “consummated” in the loving embrace of a male. When I am transformed as a woman, I am attracted to the “opposite sex” and like a woman I feel incredulously feminine and “submissive.” I absolutely love it when a man or others treat me as a woman would be treated. (In the ideal and traditional fashion / manner in which a woman would be “honored.”)
For as long as I can remember, I have always had this need and urge and even as a pre-teen, I tried on girl’s clothing and was always fascinated by the sensation and feeling the clothing brought to me. By the time I was 15 I had a whole secret collection of woman’s clothing from bathing suits to underwear. I was a bit obsessed, but led a normal life through most of high school, even having a couple of quality relationships with females. That changed when I got a part time job and my driver’s license at age 16.
Money and mobility allowed me to explore the world and “shop” for my “girlfriend!” I developed a bit of confidence in purchasing even sexy under things and bought my first wig. I soon had a cache of make-up, a couple of very sexy dresses, stockings and some very sexy high heels. A couple of times when my parents were not home I would get dolled up and take a very foolishly daring walk through my suburban neighborhood in the safety of darkness. I so wanted to “be and explore”. I was fascinated and enthralled by how sensual and even sexy I felt at these times.
By the time I was seventeen I rented a motel room, shaved my body completely smooth and got all dolled up in my wig, stockings, high heels and a short sexy black cocktail dress. I really looked pretty spectacular due to all my previous practice. I knew I wanted to go to a bar in Boston (named Jacques) where I had actually viewed “drag queens” leaving and going into this place. It took me almost an hour to gather the courage to walk from my motel room to my car – even though it was evening and my car was only about 20 feet from my door!
My experience at the bar shows just how naďve I was but also how “driven” I was to dress as a female. Using a fake ID, I got in and sat at the only open seat at the bar. I was one of but a few women in the bar and an old half drunk man to my left bought me a scotch, which I drank rather quickly! Here I was at age 17, dressed as a very overtly “attractive” woman in what I would eventually learn was a transgender hooker’s bar, in an outfit so revealing and naughty – that the men “knew” for sure that I was undoubtedly a “hooker”! The first thing the man said to me to my right was “I love those fuck me heels you’re wearing!” How do you reply to that?
"Fuck me heels!"
I was shocked!